For my lefty friends...

I went to University in Vancouver in the late 80's/early 90's. This was when the Soviet Union was still the "Big Bad."

I met my first Communism-apologizers there. Mostly good-natured left-leaning people who truly cared about society, they nonetheless made some strange illogical justifications about the most oppressive regime the world has ever seen. And they all seemed to feed the same ideas back and forth to each other and anyone who questioned or asked them to explain what they meant was politely ridiculed as a "capitalist stooge" who wasn't smart enough to know better. After awhile, the attempted ridiculing wasn't so polite.

And like the bull, that red cape of stupid commentary fluttering in front of me drove me to charge headfirst into every discussion of the so-called merits of the Capitalism vs Communism debate. To the detriment of my social life. Because anyone who attacked communism of course was throwing in with Joe McCarthy.

As my first year room-mate would say: "It's kinda hard to pick up hot lefty chicks if you keep spouting off about the 'Evil Empire'."

"But..."

"Goals, Ray, goals. Do you want to convert them, or fuck them?"

Suffice to say, he got a lot more dates than I did in university. It's easy to get along with hot lefty chicks when you have a rather *ahem* flexible morality with regards to you true opinions (translation: he lied like a used car salesman.)

So little has changed since then. A good friend of my wife and I recently spouted wistful about how she thought it might be better to live in a Communist country...

"What?"

"Well, you know, it's the sense of community, everyone working together, sharing the work..." she trailed off as she saw my face.

"A system with a body count in the tens of millions does not have a 'sense of community'" I stammered.

"I don't know about that," she said.

"Maybe you should do some reading on it..."

"Know any good books on it?" she asked.

I said I didn't, but I've found out that Tacitus does.

It takes a long time to grind a country into nothing. Could've taken a lot longer than it did.

My fellow Canadians who come back from resort vacations in Cuba tell me they had a great time and thought that Cuba was a example of socialism done right. My rebuttal is then why do they want your foreign currency? To finance their crumbling regime, of course. Cubans go to jail for fraternizing with tourists. Hardly a wonderful place to live.

Why are we pouring more money down the sewer in Africa without demanding fundamental reforms? Without property rights, individual Africans can't borrow money on credit for business purposes, can't pass on the rewards of hard work to their children, can't be rewarded for doing a job better than his countrymen might...In another five to ten years there'll be yet another crisis and then another and on and on.

And we (the evil West) are keeping them down by supposedly "exploiting" them. A true capitalist nation would want strong trading nations everywhere so you could sell your products everywhere for top dollar - no one would want Africa to remain the way it is except for the dictators who currently run the show.

And yet many here in this country and in the States make excuses for them.

There's quite an interesting discussion from both left and right perspectives going on in the comments...

And some animals are more equal than others...

Some Canada Muslims to Use Sharia in Civil Disputes

Why is it that in our glorious cultural "mosaic" we're too damn scared to impose our laws on people that CHOOSE to come here? If you want Sharia law, move to a country that has Sharia law. Don't move to a country you know is secular and "godless" and then agitate for everyone there to make new rules for you and your "special circumstances."

I've seen some pretty nasty behaviour between widowed parents and surviving children: and that's with the full protection of supposed "equal status" between men and women that we have now. Now suppose you state that women are entitled to less and have fewer rights than men.

Then you formalize this crap into law in Canada.

And have no illusions: if the provinces recognize the legitimacy of these special arbitrators, they will be compelled to enforce the arbitrator's decision, such as unequal rights towards Muslim women in family disputes.

Looks pretty incompatible with seperation of church and state doesn't it? In fact in such a setup the Church IS the state.

Ah, I see. If I have any problems with the implementation of a two-tiered legal system that strips the legal rights of an identifiable minority of the population then it must be my problem because I'm a racist nazi pig trying to oppress the beleaguered Muslim community.

Of course the Muslim community has been facing daily violent attacks in Canada and have been ostracized from society...Wait a sec. NO THEY HAVEN'T! How much mileage do they expect to get from the "Hey, society is being mean to us because you don't like us anymore after Sept 11" crap? North American society has bent over backward to say that we don't blame them for September 11th.

Hopefully the Charter Rights aren't sacrificed to the Gods of Political Correctness. Slippery slope, indeed.

via All Agitprop, All the Time

Good Enough for me

What Kind of Cookie Are You?
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Guess I fit in the same bag as my darling wife Rue.

PM Paul, absentee blogger

When he was merely "ousted Finance Minister" Paul Martin, our new unelected Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin tried to get in touch with us kooky internet kids by starting a weblog, with the incredibly creative title of Paul's Blog.

Wow, I thought at the time. Here's the heir apparent to power in Canada and he's reaching out to all us "little folk." Many other "smart" Canadian weblogs I frequent also thought this would be interesting, much more interesting than similar attempts south of the border (c'mon. Does anybody believe that Gary Hart has a snowball's chance in hell at the U.S. Presidency?) Mr. Martin has REAL power, and done right, a weblog could provide real insight into the process of a new leadership change.

Alas, like most politicians' writings, Paul's Blog is as bland as pablum and as far as new entries go, is deader than acid-wash jeans (outside low rent trailer parks, that is.) It wasn't even that good when it was being updated semi-regularly...It appeared to be vetted by hacks to be devoid of anything opinionated or controversial- in essence those very things that make weblogs an interesting read.

Normally I provide examples to lampoon but even these are so bland: Canadian spirit, pulling together, energy that Canada embodies, yada yada yada - you can read them yourselves but I suggest some STRONG coffee first.

It was hardly timely, as backdated entries were posted en masse at irregular intervals, long after the event described in the entries were over. If I were him, I would've at least employed a "ghost blogger" to ensure that the entries would be posted every day; even if they were boring, at least it would follow the forms of a weblog.

So it was a failure, so why the hell am I even bothering writing about yet another politician who doesn't "get" the internet?

Via Boing Boing:

The laugh riot is that the lawyers that are conducting this little raid are internet-inept as well...

I, in two minutes, was able to find out who runs the parody site. It's on the about me page. I hope the lawyer got his fee up front.

The parody site is http://paulmartintime.ca/
The actual Paul Martin site is: http://www.paulmartintimes.ca/home/default_e.asp

At this point I don't have a solid opinion of PM Paul Martin: whether he's more of the same or if he actually will chart a different, better course than his predecessor.

If it's true that Liberal Party lawyers are bullying a parody-site, then this is the kind of PR blunder that will drive tons o' hits to the intended target. If they'd left it alone, then, as most specific-target parody sites, paulmartintime.ca would've probably died a very quick, very private death.

I'll have to keep checking to see what happens.

Christmas Day

Nice and quiet day at Kraut manor...Presents strewn here and there, Sesame Street on the tube for the little ones (alright, and me! Can't get enough Super Grover!)

A scene from yesterday's frantic shopping...

The LCBO, Ontario's regulated dispenser of all things alcohol. I'm coming up to the cash, which is breaking tradition by being spookily efficient...

Me: "Merry Christmas"
1st cashier: "Merry Christmas, sir."

(2nd cashier elbows 1st cashier in the ribs)

1st cashier: "I mean, Happy Holidays, sir!"
Me (sensing tension): "What's wrong with Merry Christmas?"
1st cashier: "Nothing, sir. Happy Holidays."
Me (can't resist): "So there's an approved list of greetings?"
2nd cashier: "Happy Holidays is more inclusive..." (shooting a stern glance at 1st cashier)
Me: "So they tell you guys what to say? Jesus..."
2nd cashier: "We don't mention him either. Happy Holidays, sir."

The bag is shoved into my hands as the next customer in line is glaring at me for wasting his time...

"Merry Christmas" I say again, just to be a shit-stirrer...

No response.

Christmas Eve

Some random thoughts this Christmas Eve...

• Why is it the only version of the 1951 A Christmas Carol starring Alistair Sim is that bastardized, colourized version foisted upon us by Ted Turner and his evil minions?
• Why is it that in the traditional "Christmas" movies that the protagonists have to jibber like demented baboons at the end of the movie to show how they have changed for the better. I'm talking about both Scrooge and George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life"- if they'd both acted like that in real life they'd be put away in padded cells. I guess quiet contemplation on the meaning of the holiday just doesn't cut it.
• Why is it people always set themselves up for heartbreak by thinking they're going to have some perfect Martha Stewart Christmas? Then get pissed off when the tiniest most insignificant thing goes wrong. Martha has a staff: you don't
• Why is that the people who complain the loudest about the so-called "commercialization" of the holidays are the first to line up to try to outdo everyone else in extravagant presents. If you think Christmas is too commercial then just opt out. No one is putting a gun to your head to buy stuff. There is still such a thing as free will you know. All the belly-aching and wanking is dragging down the people around you who may actually be enjoying the season. But you can't have that, can you? If you are miserable, then of course you should share the misery with everyone else. How dare they be happy!
• Why is a holiday that's supposed to be about peace and family the cause of the most stress imaginable for the general public?

To all out there, have a Happy Holiday! Try not to kill your parents. If they didn't change in all the time you've known them, don't expect them to change just because it's Christmas. Give them a little present and cut them a break. Try to enjoy your time with them, even if they don't want to let you. The day is short, and you can make good use of it, even if it's a duty visit.

It's only once a year.

Change is bad.

I hate the new Chicken McNuggets. Bland bland bland.

What the hell is this obsession with white meat? What was wrong with the old nuggets? I mean without the processed beak other parts the taste is wrong.

Yet another food that McDonald's has botched for me. First the Big Macs lost their taste, then the McChickens got smaller, they messed up the fries (what the hell was wrong with animal fats and salt in the fries: What the HELL are vegans eating at McDonald's for anyway?)

Now the McNuggets are screwed, too. And they're trying to say that these nuggets are somehow better.

My two-year old daughter (whose favourite food is chicken by the way) made a face at the taste: "'tucky chicken, dada?" "Yes honey, we'll go to KFC next time..."

New look to Raging Kraut

More of an imperial pre WW I Kraut feel.

Our New Government at Work

Dress code for Ont. Legislature

Obviously Ms Smith has nothing else to occupy her time. Too bad the Liberals weren't spending their effort tackling the budget deficit that they're using as a very large broom to sweep all of their election promises under the rug. Too bad Ontario doesn't have the same recall provisions that some states have.

My nephew spent some time as a provincial page in the Legislative Assembly. It's not the dress code that shows a lack of respect: it's the general conduct of the losers elected to public office who really have nothing to do until the next provincial election. Buncha jibbering overpaid do-nothing monkeys (yeah, I know. I'm insulting monkeys...)

Opportunistic grandstanding, but you have to give him points for style.

Let's see the list of broken promises this government has acquired:

And this is less than 3 months into their mandate. Yet they have time to fart around about the colour of someone's tie and whether or not a MPP can wear cowboy boots or not.

Only piece of junk mail I've ever filled in

Almost thrown out as junk mail...

The address looks promising enough. What does he want from me?

Why he is bugging me...

Lo and behold! Somebody else is wanting to smack around my favourite target. Mr. Harper I am so there!

Sheila is evil and kills puppies, feasting on their spurting puppy blood!!!

She must be stopped!

Derrida, definitely, Derrida

You are a Deconstructionist Weirdo. Although
ostensibly originating with Derrida, the
theories of your particular school have long
since passed beyond intellegibillity; half the
time you don't even understand what you're
saying anymore. That's okay, though. You're a
lot more fun to party with than a bunch of
stodgy new historicists.


What kind of postmodernist are you!?
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Yes,

Hmmm.

Ahhh.

Shiny black rubber... EXCELLENT!

via Circadian Shift

Argh, My Ears!

Thankfully I have purged most of the really bad '80s Christmas song covers by Canadian "artists", but I do have to say that I do remember this one with ALL of its ear-bleeding effects:

I almost hesitate to reprint this as it's sure to cause neurological damage to any Canadians reading this, but what the hell - I have suffered; so shall you all:

Rudolph da red-NOSE Reinda
ad a very shiny no-ose
and if you ever saw et
You would even say it glows

All of de uddah reinda
Used to laugh and call IM names
dey wouldn't let pooRudolph
join in any REINDA GA-AMES

I say

den one FOGGY Christmas night
Santa came to say
Rudolph wit yo nose do bright I say
WON'T YOU GUIDE MY SLEIGH TONIGHT?!?

Den all da reinda love em
As dey shouted out wit glee
Rudolph da red nose reinda
You go down en ISTORY!

SAY!

You can't say that I didn't warn you.

I've always had a problem with the original song, and the claymation special too.

So Rudolph's a freak, right? He's different from the rest of the reindeer: His glowing nose keeps him out of reindeer sports, the girl reindeer won't talk to him yada yada yada. There aren't any uses for freaks in Santa's workshop- no one stops by to counsel him and his family. His father's ashamed and nobody wants him around.

Now the only way he gets accepted is that by some random occurence of events his abnormality is useful as a beacon and that Santa is too damn cheap to equip his sleigh with proper running lights: ie. Rudolph's freakdom is useful to Santa in a practical way. What if it wasn't? Would Rudolph be accepted back into polite Reindeer society? Freakish mutation is seldom practical, so Rudolph would've been out of luck if Santa's sleigh actually had decent halogen lights...

I wonder what kind of crash-protection standards that homemade contraption of Santa's actually meets...

Cotton Candy!

Carnivale is one of my favourite new shows of the season. Too bad it's only available on the movie channel so far.

It seems like the blogosphere is becoming one big collection of Carnivals, so much so that we humble Canadians now have one carnival of our own:

The Carnival of the Canucks!

I suspect the Socialist hordes at the CBC are involved somehow...I may have to infiltrate.

Out of sight...

Does anyone still care about Cecilia Zhang?

Dammit, I don't see any more time, effort, or resources devoted by anyone in the media to keep this one going...

Is it just me that finds it strange that in less than two months everyone has seemed to have forgotten her?

Gollum in the House

It's 3 am last night...

Coming from my daughter's bed I hear a small voice purr "My Preciousssss!" I see little eyes peering from under the blanket.

"Wicked, tricksey, false! Want precious Dada!"

I walk closer and see that my two-year old daughter is giggling at me...

I blame all the ads for Return of the King.

Perfectly hygenic thank you muchly

Congratulations! You're Aragorn!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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I'm also perfectly straight, but a shot at Legolas might be too tempting...At least I'd have that over all those women at the office who're fawning all over him.

Oh wait. That's right.

I don't have an office anymore...

Nevermind.

Goodbye!

Try telling your 2 year old daughter that she can't watch Clifford the Big Red Dog because the national liberal network (a.k.a. the CBC) has decided to devote 3 damn hours to saying goodbye to Canada's greatest dictator, the Right Honourable Jean Chretien.

Two things I'll say about Chretien:

1. He is a fantastic politician.
2. He is a terrible leader.

For ten years he has managed to keep his opposition split, both within his own party and within the House of Commons, and for ten years he has consistently chosen to do as little as possible...

Goodbye, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

You owe my little girl an apology for wasting her time.

Another thing to blow my money on...

I can't believe it! They've finally smartened up and released the Ben Stiller Show on DVD.

I still remember some of my favourite dialogue from skits like Low budget tales of Cliched Horror, Cape Munster and my favourite: A Few Good Scouts ("Every morning I have breakfast across from 12 angry men who think I'm secretly touching their sons...Do you think you scare me?")

It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine...

Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious

Nothing like reproving that old adage that sex sells. Site traffic has quadrupled since this shameless post from a drip to a steady trickle.

The universe is working as it should.

I wonder what stupid promotional trick I should pull next.

Any suggestions?

To the moon, Alice!

So George maybe wants to go back to the moon...(short registration required to view this article)

They've already been there, done that. It's hardly an original idea.

Spend spend spend. Is fiscal conservatism dead?

Not being alive at the time, nor being an American I am always fascinated by the reverence for Kennedy shown by both Republican and Democratic politicians. He's always held up as THE yardstick for comparison to every sitting president after him. Every president wants some comparable "big idea."

How'd the U.S. beat the Soviets to the moon? They threw tons of money at the most direct route: put a man on top of a missile and calculate the trajectory, while spending gobs and gobs of money. Worth it?

Yes. It had never been done before.

So to save NASA from falling apart we have to invent a long-term task for them to justify their continued existence...

Well, everything else in our culture is retro, isn't it? The current generation in charge seems to want to relive the 60's over and over and over again, man. So let's stage another moon landing for no practical purpose other then giving baby-Bush his legacy...

I have one suggestion: follow through on fixing Iraq and the rest of the Middle East and you'll have your legacy.

I'm not anti-NASA or anti-spaceflight- I think they've got a monumental task right now: deliver on the promise of safe, reliable space travel that they made when the shuttle was first designed. 21st century space travel was supposed to be routine by now, and for a time we were lulled into a false sense of security that it was. We need reliable spaceflight. Our cellphones require it. GPS systems require it. The 300-channel TV universe requires it.

That'd be great! We could name it Moonbase Alpha and all the guys could wear bushy sideburns and polyester like in Space 1999.

But it'll probably never happen as the decision makers are getting older:

And that they appeal to that demographic group that still has its foot on the neck of all issues in North America. All part of the 'boomers plan to live forever and force all the rest of us to keep reliving all of their supposed triumphs over and over again while constantly lamenting the fact that "man, it ain't as good as it was in the '60s."
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But I digress.

Speaking of shameless web traffic attractions...

Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!
Paris Hilton sex tape!

Hi there. Made ya look.

Try here.

UPDATE: Best comment on the Paris Hilton brouhaha so far goes to Jim Treacher.

Whipped I am

Well, that ends that. I was going to continue on with a lyric a day on the 21 days of cleaning, but what I found was that every lyric I wrote was nasty nasty nasty. Rue and I were thinking of sniping a bit between her blog and mine to generate a little friction (It's your fault Joy! It's really hard to have a raging hard-ass rep when you keep talking about what a nice guy I am. :-p )and maybe attract a peanut gallery for a little bit of serve and volley...Nothing like whoring for web hits!

But I find that I can't write a semi-nasty song. It's either totally nasty (and I don't wanna get in trouble with Rue- none of you know what she's capable of when aroused angry!) and very far from the truth, or it's waaaaay too nice. So this leads me to conclude that I am whipped, and that my rage can only be accessed by being really pissed off by my targets.
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Wonder what Sheila Copps has been up to lately. I REALLY hate her...

And if this is true, like Nixon, I won't have her to kick around anymore...

The 21 Days of Cleaning

So after a relatively easy week off (my first in a while...) the wife mentions "The 21 days of cleaning" that she's organizing at the moment and how I'll be called upon to act as "the muscle."

OK, the house is a mess. We moved in to the place in 2000, had the first kid in 2001, was recovering from that and cleaned up just in time for kid number 2 (where the hell did we store those old baby buntings?) I managed to unpack the old baby clothes just in time for the Punkin' (kid #2) to outgrow the newborn baby clothes.

There is a lot of stuff that needs to be got rid of before we move. So we're putting stuff up on EBAY. In case you're curious, that's what the Harpie's Bazaar button on the right links to...Right now there's a bunch of books and stuff up for sale (including my treasured first-edition Bloom Counties...Steve Dallas, you were my God!!!) with a lot more to follow.

Of course I can't have the 21 Days of Cleaning without coming up with a song- I think I'll add a verse a day until this hell comes to an end:

(to be sung to the 12 days of Christmas)

On the first day of Cleaning, wifey suddenly became...A bitch!

(much more to follow...)