Random Acts of Kindness and Reprisals

So I'm in the local Costco. I've loaded up the cart with tons of supplies (little mouths at home consume supplies in BULK) and I'm headed for the line. For such an efficient operation in terms of warehousing, the Costco checkout procedure is usually a long, drawn out, painful experience.

I choose well and the line I'm in is moving better than average, but still slow. People start choosing my line and pretty soon there are about 3 or 4 people behind me. I notice the guy directly behind me has one (!) item: a digital camera.

"You're not paying by check?" I ask the guy. I hate being stuck behind a guy paying by check. This is the 21st century, you know.

He stares at me confused. English does not appear to be his first language. He doesn't appear to grasp what I'm asking him. By this time I'm 2 customers from the cashier and the conveyor belt is almost mine. I ask him again.

"No. Cash." he responds with a look on his face that is saying 'what business is it of yours?' tinged with a little bit of the 'is this some kind of trap' cringing that I've seen many recent immigrants display.

"Go ahead of me," I say. "By the time I've loaded all this crap on the conveyor, you'll be headed for the door, already. I'm only doing this 'cause you're not paying by check."

With this he understands, smiles and thanks me as he now moves in front of me and hands his membership card and cash to the cashier. He's gone before I finish unloading my shopping cart.

• Total time saved for him, a complete stranger: 5 or 6 minutes.


• Cost in extra time I waited for him to complete his transaction: 15 to 30 seconds.


• Compensatory good feeling at random act of kindness: priceless.

The guy behind the guy (wasn't that line in Swingers?) I let past me is glaring at me. He's an older guy in his 60's and he's got a full cart too.

"Everyone should wait their turn in line," he huffs loudly.

I stare at him and wonder if I should explain what Pareto optimal means.

"Pal, even if I made him wait for me" I say as I put the last box of apple juice on the conveyor- "you'd still be waiting the exact same amount of time for him to ring through his purchase after me, so you have nothing to complain about. The only one who was slightly delayed was me. And I really don't care." I turn my back and dismiss him.

My fuzzy warmth at the random act of kindness is wearing off with having to deal with this rules-is-everything Nazi...

"Those people have to learn to wait in line like everyone else." he says indignantly. Ahhhhh. I've got him sussed now. The line ain't the problem. He's pissed 'cause this little white boy just let an Asian man go ahead of him.

"'Those people'? Who do you mean? Costco customers? That applies to you and me as well." The cashier is doing his best NOT to look at either of us as he's finishing up with my stuff.

"Immigrants!" the old man spews. "They come here looking for a handout, and the liberals like you bend over for them and give them everything that hard-working Canadians like me have sweated for decades for."

don't call him a cocksucker. don't call him a cocksucker. don't call him a cocksucker.

"You're very perceptive." I'm trying to keep my voice light. "You got all that info about two guys you've never seen before in twenty seconds, just 'cause one of them let the other in front of him. What are you? some kind of de*tec*tive?" I almost sing the last word hitting each syllable harshly, but the tone is definitely mocking.

I pay for my stuff.

Walk out the door. Wrestle with pigs,get covered in shit...Wrestle with pigs, get covered in shit...

Parting shot.

"You're wrong, you know. I voted for Harris in the last 2 elections."

(For the non-Ontario readers, Mike Harris was the conservative premier of Ontario since 1995, and, like the socialist premier before him, broke form with regular Canadian politics and actually governed according to his ideological stance as promised.)

"The guy I let by me paid for his stuff with cash which he most likely earned at his job or business; or maybe he stole it - I don't know because I'm not a racist-fucking redneck who makes stupid blanket assumptions about people I don't know! And if you want to talk about hand-outs, how 'bout that nice fat Canada pension plan you're drawing that I'm paying for right now that won't be there for me because your generation NEVER PAID YOUR FAIR SHARE!?"

"Smart guy, need to call me names. Nice way to lose an argument!" he's smiling now as if I've somehow conceded. The cashier is shooting me daggers because I'm continuing the argument with this crackpot. He's looking over at the supervisors' desk. I can sense the Costco's "security measures" wheels in motion.

"It's not losing to accurately label someone. I, at least, based my assumption on evidence. It's been a real pleasure having my stereotypes confirmed. Enjoy extinction with the rest of the dinosaurs."

I turn and walk away...

"To hot for you, eh?" crows the old man. "Hope your bullshit liberal mind holds up well when that chink takes your job!"

"Shut the FUCK UP, Old man! Or I'll shut your mouth for ya quick!" This came from somewhere behind me in the line next to the one I'm wheeling my cart away from. The voice was booming and had a thick Jamaican accent.

I make it to the doors without being swarmed by burly red-shirted Costco employees.

I didn't hear the old man's voice again.

All this because I let some guy go ahead of me in the line at Costco...